Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity of all occur to test limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from.
In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays your back or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.
Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sight high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it. Share it with anyone who you believe has made a difference in your life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Once upon a time, niksi fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness and all those sort of things. There was much rejoicing. And then, shut! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in his mouth. The smell still on his skin. The feeling left in his fingertips. But niksi can't get that feeling back. He may spend his entire life trying to get back into that polaroid. Fighting all the way. The best thing niksi have ever known. Even now, anytime he comes close to it he wants to dive in. Sink or swim. He doesn't care. Niksi would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what he never let himself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of him. Within reach. Just open his fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never. He fought. He fought hard. But only with himself. Sometimes niksi wonders if he should have fought harder. With her. With it. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, you’re right. What the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he say? Something. Anything. His line of thinking was, if she doesn't want it, he don't want to push it. Why try to keep her where she doesn't want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to. She was happy. There were nights niksi cried. When they were together and then he took her home and he cried. Not because he was sad, or even missed her already, but because he was happy. So happy that niksi couldn't contain himself. He talked to God. Whether he believed in him or not. And he said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. niksi couldn't believe it was real. . Look into her perfect brown eyes and see himself. But he could. he had seen her before. In the coffee shop. And he said to himself, he would give up everything if she would even turn his way. She was light years beyond him. Another plane. Another class. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for niksi. Niksi couldn't even dream it. No way could he ever make it real. Did she felt what he felt? He had to believe she did. If he didn’t, it would be so hard to breathe. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be her. No one will have those eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all her secrets. And no one, ever again will make niksi whole. Not like that. He is scared. He is so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if he is right?
Did he ever wondered, did he ever asked myself? Can he live without love?? Can he open his eyes? He is afraid to. There is a feeling. He knows it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And niksi is ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at him. He is the one. The one she chose. The one she calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! She is the one who reaches out for him. For niksi. She once said, niksi, I need you. He was done. That was what he was looking for all his life. Those words. For something as pure as this creature to need him! Could not be real. Could not be his life. But it was. Of course, it was! It isn't anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. he see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. He feels desperate. He feels alone. So much out there. But he only wants to hear one thing. Not sure what. But he will know. If he ever get the chance, he will stretch out his fingers, grasp it tightly and never let it go! But till then - he will be here. With his open hand. And his desperate heart. And his cold skin. And his angry brain. And his boundless love. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that he can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel his heart stop. Watch his breath shudder in the cold. She. She can be almost anyone. She can read niksi like a book. He will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print - easy to read. Secrets dissolved in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. Niksi was lost and now niksi is found. Niksi was blind but now niksi can see. Niksi was crippled and now niksi can run. Maybe it all happened because niksi never wanted to……
Fall in love…………..