And niksi learns

A time came in his life when finally niksi got it. When in the midst of all his fears and insanity he stopped dead in his tracks and somewhere the voice inside his head cried out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.

And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, his sobs begun to subside, he shuddered once or twice, he blinked back his tears and through a mantle of wet lashes he begun to look at the world through new eyes.

This was his awakening. He realized that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. He came to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with him and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

He awakened to the fact that he is not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what he is... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)

he learned that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for him and that it's not always about him.

And he begun to sift through all the crap he've been fed about how he should behave; how he should look and how much he should weigh; what he should wear and where he should shop; and what he should drive how and where he should live; and what he should do for a living; or what he owe to his parents.

he learned that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and he stopped maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for his next fix.

he learned that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which he must build a life. he learned that he don't know everything, it's not his job to save the world and that he can't teach a dog to sing.

he learned to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

he learned that the only cross to bear is the one he choose to carry. Then he learned about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. he learned not to project his needs or his feelings onto a relationship. he learned that he will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of someone with him.

he learned to look at relationships as they really are and not as he would have them be. he stopped trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

he learned that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and he learned that he don't have the right to demand love on his terms...just to make him happy.

And, he learned that alone does not mean lonely. And he looked in the mirror and came to terms with the fact that he will never be a perfect and he stopped trying to compete with the image inside his head and agonizing over how he "stack up."

he came to the realization that he deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and he won't settle for less. And, he will allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes him to glorify him with its touch...and in the process he will internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And he learned that his body really is his temple. And he begun to care for it and treat it with respect. he begun eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.

he learned that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So now he takes more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So he takes more time to laugh and to play.

he learned that for the most part, in life he will get what he believed he deserves ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

he learned that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.’

More importantly, he learned that in order to achieve success he needs direction, discipline and perseverance. he also learned that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

he learned to fight for his life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. he learned that life isn't always fair, he don't always get what he thinks he deserves and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions he learned not to personalize things. he learned that God isn't punishing him or failing to answer his prayers.

It's just life happening. And he learned to deal with evil in its most primal state-the ego.
he learned that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of him and poison the universe that surrounds him. he learned to admit when he is wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.

he learned to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, he begun to take responsibilities for himself by himself and to make himself a promise to never betray himself and to never ever settle for less than his heart's desire.

And he made it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in his heart and with God by his side he took a stand, he took a deep breath and he begun to design the life he wanted to live as best as he can and decided never to fall in love.

so, niksi learns.